My darling Anthony,
This letter is long overdue in many ways, and it’s been tumbling around in my mind for a while. As you well know these past few weeks have been overwhelmingly challenging, but you my darling have been such a blessing to me. I can’t always express my innermost thoughts as accurately as I would like to, so I wanted to write you this letter to tell you how much you mean to me.
I adore you sweetheart.
I love you dearly, more than anything in this whole world.
I think you already know this. I know you love me too, I just forget sometimes. This whole ordeal with the diagnosis of premature menopause has thrown me into a tailspin where I no longer feel in control – not of my body, my thoughts or emotions. At this moment hopelessness clouds my mind and fills me with horrid thoughts about how unlovable and worthless I am. Sometimes I believe you when you tell me you love me, sometimes I believe the misery I feel.
Last month when Dr. Sue gave me the diagnosis, it’s as if the world around me stopped moving. I felt numb with disbelief. She simply said my ovaries are shutting down. I tried to not let it show, but it has been a very difficult time since. Last Monday was one of my blackest of days. I know grief is often tragic, dark, messy and brutal. It can completely knock you off whatever course you were on and leaves you incapable of managing even the simplest task. I have found my day to day routines are just as trivial, if not impossible to complete. The other day I was so overwhelmed with emotion at work I couldn’t stop crying, my heart felt so dark and heavy. I just want to be alone and unapologetic with my grief.
She simply said my ovaries are shutting down.
More recently I’ve become pissed off. Fucking angry! Angry at the world. Angry at me. It is not OK what’s happened to me. I’ve only just turned 30! This is a stage I should be going through 20 years from now!
My grief at times feels unbearable especially when I’m reminded that I’ll never have children. My heart cries for you. I know how much you love children and really wanted us to start a family this year as much as I did. I feel I have failed you and us as a couple.
I keep thinking part of being a woman is the ability to have children. And now I can’t. Who then am I? It feels like my identity and purpose have been stolen. How do I rebuild this part of me? How do I come to a place of peaceful acceptance?
Looking in the mirror I now see myself differently. I know, I can’t help it. I feel broken and damaged.
Looking back at how I complained about my weight gain, tiredness and moodiness now seems to all make sense – they’re symptoms of menopause. As I stare back in the mirror, I keep saying “Why me?” over and over. I am only 30! What have I done to bring this on? I also think what will I do if you do not find me attractive anymore? What if you don’t want me the way you used to? I want to feel attractive, loved, and wanted by you. I get scared when I think you might look at other women the way you used to look at me. I’m scared of losing you because I’ve shattered our most precious dreams.
I keep thinking part of being a woman is the ability to have children. And now I can’t. Who then am I? It feels like my identity and purpose have been stolen.
I know I’v been getting overwhelmed and become moody. I’m sorry. Please understand, you are not doing anything wrong, and please do not be mad at me when I make hurtful comments. I feel sad, angry, and frustrated all at the same time, but I do not want to make you feel the same way, because none of it is your fault. I want you to know that I am trying. I’m doing the best I can to come to terms with this new life path I/we have been forced on. The other day I spent most of my time researching and reading about premature menopause. I’ve found so many women going through the same thing. I feel so sorry for them, sorry for myself, and sorry that you have to go through this heartache as well.
I know you are hurting too whilst also comforting me. I really want to thank you for reminding me during this difficult time who I am when I sometimes forget. I am so grateful to have you as a rock in my life right now. You are so amazingly loyal to those you care about. The depth with which you love is nothing short of inspiring.
I love your optimism and gentle guidance to the new possibility for us both. I love your support with helping me establish a healthier lifestyle so that I can lose the weight I keep winging about. And your sweet idea of joining a gym together or even take up dancing classes – even though you can’t dance. I know these suggestions are made to help me get back some of the confidence and optimism I’ve lost lately. I love you my sweetheart.
I feel so grateful to be able to wake up next to you every day, and am so happy that yours are the lips that I get to kiss every night before I go to sleep. I want you to know I am determined to put the broken pieces of our life back together, it just might not be right now. But with your strong and beautiful love I know in time, I will.
Your love is so amazing and I’m so thankful that I get to be yours.
Love you to the moon & back,
Given with permission to publish